BLOG1: This is ME

Hey Friends!
Welcome to my new summer blog :) I hope you enjoy it! If you would like to read my previous posts you may. But this is where my new blogging begins its my daily posts about my summer 2010 and a whole new me :) so enjoy!

Day 1 June 18 2010 2:30

I want to start by saying that God is miraculous. His love is enduring, and He is always there, even in the muck when we don't think he is with us. He is. He meets us where we are at and wants to help us out but only once we are ready. Sometimes we wonder "He can do anything so why didn't he stop me from doing this, (or) Why didn't he pull me out (or) Stop this from happening? If He loves me so much why didn't He do anything about it?" This may be hard for some people to understand but God is not a Bully. He doesn't always pull us out of sticky situations. He respects our free will and waits for us to call on Him and to ask for help. And sometimes we then don't like His response so we choose not to listen and complain that He isn't there. God always answers in one of three ways. "YES," "NO," or "Wait/not right now." The last I think is the hardest for humans to understand. Gods Timing does not make sense to us. We want things now, right now... but regardless of what we want or if we see God with us in the crap, I can promise you two things HE IS ALWAYS THERE, and HE ALWAYS HAS A PLAN.

Recently, I struggled with a pretty bad relationship. It lasted about 8 months and he really hurt me. He really wasn't a great guy. I should have listened to everything everyone kept telling me but I didn't want to. You know how it goes. I am sure we have all been there. We all know the saying "Love is Blind." This can be a good thing, when you are in a good relationship. And Scientifically speaking, it is true. There are certain chemicals released in our bodies when we feel the emotion of love. This can be so strong that it has an affect on our ability to reason, and therefore we lose all good judgement in a bad relationship. This, however, is not a bad thing when the relationship is good. It can be a factor in helping a person to stay committed to their significant other through the tough times, and helps a person choose to fight for the relationship rather then against it.
But as I said, when things are bad, we do not see the really toxic flaws of the other. The ones we shouldn't tolerate or support or defend. And let me tell you, boy was I blind.
Love made me blind for sure.
When I was told that I was blinded by love to his flaws I truly did not believe it. I thought "okay I know his flaws, I see them but I'm just looking past them"....
Eeerrrhh! BOY Was I Wrong!
I looked at his flaws but I didn't SEE them. You all know how this goes. You know how sometimes we hear, but don't listen? Like when I get introduced to someone new, I hear their name, but maybe I don't fully "LISTEN" to it, because I will forget it instantly, sometimes. I'm sure we have all done this at some point in our lives.
Well, in a similar way, I looked at his flaws, tried to accept them, made excuses for him, but did not actually "SEE" them in a way that I should have. Just as I heard everyone's advice but did not listen to them. Do I wish I did? Sometimes, yes. As much as I try not to have regrets, and know that this experience will have helped me in some way, I still beat myself up from time to time for not listening to the people who care about me, and maybe this WAS Gods' way of trying to get me out of the muck. But maybe I was the one who was too stubborn.
But 8 months is about 7 months too late. I gave him so much. I gave my heart away too fast and because of how hurt I was, I started pushing people away. Another stupid thing we choose to do when things get too hard for us to deal with. Or when we find ourselves in not-so-great relationships; they have a way of making us believe our friends are bad for us. In some messed up Universe. Because come on, really? The friends that have stuck by you through anything, and care deeply about your heart.... Those friends? They are bad for us? hmmm that doesn't seem right.
Pulling you away from your friends, in a completely isolating way, should be one of the first red flags to look for when dating someone new.
Yet, here I was, not able to trust anyone I was supposed to be close to, because of how hurt I was over this guy that everyone warned me about. I was so close to closing off and shutting down. I wanted so badly to allow the emptiness I felt inside, take me to the dark black holes we can get sucked into in this world, like drinking and partying and allowing myself to not be treated with respect by anyone, even guys.
Don't get me wrong, Parties can be fun and drinking isn't all bad, but for all the wrong reasons, and with the wrong crowd, it can be. Still, I tried my hardest to stay strong and the more time went on, the more the weeks just painfully slithered by, the harder it was to keep being strong. Sadly, at this point, I had already lost my faith in God. Praying meant nothing to me anymore. Yes. I said it. I went to this place. I let the muck sink my faith. But God is so persistent.

Remember how I said He doesn't force Himself on us? He waits for us to ask for Him?
Well, that's true, but He also has ways of gently leading us to find Him, which we can also be blind to seeing. He does this so subtly though, just so He keeps consistent in His kindness, and patience, and desire to let us have free-will. Allowing us to be in a place to ask for His help.

A few weeks ago, my oldest sister took me out to dinner, knowing about this dark place I was in.
She mentioned that she was to go on a "Beach retreat" to Evangelize to young women about chastity!
Though... I didn't really hear much after "beach," at which point, I cut her off and said "Beach? You're going to the beach? For how long?" She informed me that it would be for a whole week and invited me to come along. I'm not sure if this was her plan all along, but it was definitely Gods'. Haha
I am a Sunshine girl and I can't resist the beach, it's one of my happy places, and at this point I didn't really care about anything else I would have to do there, I was just happy I was able to go. And SO WAS GOD.

Well, here we are, almost one week after the beach trip. Yes, that's right, this happened last week. IT. WAS. AMAZING.
I met a girl on this trip named Marianna. God definitely placed her in my life at a time when I needed it the most. She is like a heaven-sent angel to me and I feel so blessed to know her. God spoke through her, to me, in so many ways. She wasn't the only one. He also spoke through my sisters roommate, Megan, who was also on the trip. Man, I can't even explain how she's been here for me. During praise and worship, she would speak to me and tell me the message she felt God was giving her to relay to me, and she prayed with me; and it was in these moments that I finally knew -

God Was There. 

I felt Him in a way that I haven't in a long time. I believed.
He took all my suffering and pain, my sins, my guilt and shame; He took EVERYTHING when I let Him in. He finally made me feel whole again! He broke the chains off my heart and set me free in a way I could never even imagine or dream of.
I can honestly say now, that I am happier then I have been in forever, and I don't need a guy to make me feel this way. I feel happy and beautiful inside and out. You know the saying "Fake it 'til you make it?" Well, I think that's what I was doing before. But I don't have to anymore. I genuinely feel better. Like back to myself again! I have more energy and feel more positive. If I am being totally honest with you guys... All I want to do now is …
DANCE [cue music] lol

I love Me. I know it sounds cheesy but I love who God has made me to be, and where I am in my life right now: Happy, Single, and Free. Seriously, God is SOOO good and He has taught me so much through all of this. I can't even fathom how strong and confident I am now after everything I went through.
Don't get me wrong, I still desire to find the right guy and get married some day, and have lots of kids. [haha] But right now I am content with where I am in my journey, and I have a better idea of what to look for in a partner. Scratch that, I'm not lookin for anyone. God is looking FOR me. I gave my heart to God and HE will find my Prince, when the time is right and when I am ready for it.
I know that it will be greater than I can imagine because God's plan is better then anything we can come up with for ourselves. It can be hard to admit, but He knows us better then we know ourselves.
I so look forward to that day, but I can wait. I thank God everyday for everything I have.
For my wonderful family who stuck by me even when it hurt them; for Marianna, and all the amazing friends in my life right now. I know that sometimes friends don't last forever, but even still God works through the people in your life. It's through the people in mine that I know I'm TRULY Loved.

I will close this out soon, but I want to share a little more about what I want in my future Prince.
He will be just as Goofy and Silly as me at times.
He won't be embarrassed by me, especially when I act goofy in public.
He will be adorkable. and just plain adorable.
He will make me smile all the time and Laugh a lot.
He will respect and cherish me.
He will make me a better person just by being together and just by being himself.
He will fight for me and pursue me, especially when I am emotional or want to run away from the tough times. He will tell me that he is walking with me, even in the times I may want to run down the wrong road.
He will be living out his faith just as much as me and will guide me back when I lose my way. We will work hard at journeying to heaven together.
We will spend lots of time together, and will NOT get sick of being together, even in the moments we may need space, we will still have a desire for each other.
Most Importantly, he will be my Best Friend.
I also hope that he will be close with his wonderful family, and that our families will all get along.

That is who I am waiting for. I know when I find that guy, I will be so blessed because I now know that there is a love and respect far greater then what I have received in my previous relationship. (Which was dirt compared to Gods plan for me).
As I continue to think about these things and go about my journey, I encourage you to think about this as well:

"There is always more than meets the eye! Everyone has a story, and a background and a reason for who they are or how they've become a certain way.
Do not judge someone unless you really get to know them. And even after you get to know them, still do not pass judgement. Decide for yourself who is healthy for your life, but do not scorn those who may not be able to journey with you. 

Who are we to judge ones' heart or someone by their sins. It is not our place, Only God can judge. Of course, it really isn't about where you've been or what you've done or who you were before. When you make a sincere effort to be different, to change, to grow, to improve, and throw away those past mistakes, all that truly matters to God, at that point, is who you've become and who you are at the present time. I have learned that no matter where I've been or the mistakes I've made I'm still extremely blessed and loved because of Who I am TODAY. I am wonderful and beautiful. I am happy and caring. I am compassionate and kind! I may also be loud and crazy at times but I love who I am now and I'm never goin back." ~ Brittany Sunshine G. (Yes, I put my own comment in quotes)

"This is real
This is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now,
Gonna let the light, shine on me.
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in.
No more hiding who I want to be.
This is me!" ~ Demi Lovato - Camp Rock